


All the Power

by Fishyz9



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Schmico - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 23:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16820599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishyz9/pseuds/Fishyz9
Summary: One seasoned, heart-sick surgeon tries to do what he feels is right in a new, budding sort-of but not really relationship. The other is Levi Schmitt and screw what Nico Kim thinks is right.





	All the Power

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in a long time (and it likely shows) but I instantly fell in love with these characters and needed to get this out of my system.

Have I ever been so messed up, so twisted and tied up in knots over one person before? Over one nerdy, small, brave as hell person? I know the answer to that is a resounding no because all of this has been strangely new and alarmingly unsettling for this one very seasoned gay man.

I don’t get nervous. I don’t get flustered and I certainly don’t get…vulnerable. And yet Levi is the source of all of these feelings.

I _hate_ it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a careless man who moves on from one guy to the next, I’ve had relationships before, perhaps nothing too serious but a few which extended beyond casual company or just a good time. But this… this is new. No one’s ever made me feel weak with tenderness before, no one’s ever held all the cards – knowing or unknowingly – while my hands remain empty. And I have to keep those hands from reaching out to him in casual, possessive touches which do not fit with this strange flirtation, this… this intense connection which doesn’t tick any of the usual boxes of boyfriend, friends with benefits or anything in between. 

Understand, I’m a surgeon and my hands are my tools. They’re everything to a person like me and right now I do not have control and that terrifies me. When my hands aren’t touching him, it _hurts_. And he’s so in control that, one look? That’s it, I’m useless. Whether it’s the happy, eyes lit up, bouncing on the balls of his feet look. Or if it’s the nervous, deer caught in the headlights look before showing more courage than most ever do and jumping in head first anyway. As soon as that look is aimed at me I’m no longer the one in charge. In fact I have never been the lead in any of this, despite being the instigator.

And he has _no_ idea. 

What started as a kiss in an elevator, followed by an even more intense, shirtless kiss in an ambulance soon became quick, desperate fumbles in storage cupboards or empty stairwells, heat rising in my every time. And without us putting a name to it of course he’s confused, of course he’s trying to feel this thing out without scaring me off. Only _he_ thinks he’ll scare me off because I’m one of the new hotshot Ortho docs and why the hell would someone like me be with someone like him, an intern. _Glasses_. When in fact, _in fact_ , if I’m getting skittish it’s because I am feeling too goddamn much too soon and it more than alarms me.

Stalling only gets me so far. The few times he’s tried to broach the subject of a date or anything close I’ve managed to either change the subject or distract him in other ways. Ironic considering how many times I tried to ask him out. He’s attempting to see if he can get something real out of me while I desperately try to figure out if I want to let myself even go there. Levi Schmitt is a very real, potential danger to me, and it makes me feel ridiculous.

“Fancy running into you here.”

Damn.

“Dr. Schmitt.” I say as casually as possible, and I don’t need to turn around to know that he’s closed the door to the storage cupboard behind him. This is one of our regular hideout spots after all, though I really was just searching for supplies.

“How’s your day going?” He says as he tries to casually lean against the racking – racking which is not bolted to the wall and so wobbles slightly, causing _him_ to wobble. He quickly recovers, his throat bobbing as he swallows and straightens his glasses. I can’t help the small smile that escapes my lips. Why does he have to be so goddamn clumsy and cute?

“Long, it’s been a long one.”

“Yeah, yeah mine too.” So, _so_ casual as he inches closer, his fingers brushing the lapel of my white lab coat. “Listen…”

“I really have to get back–”

“Just one second?” He asks. “Just give me one second.”

I lick my lips, nod. It’s the least I can give him considering all the mixed signals I keep throwing his way. The small victory emboldens him and he bites his lip for a moment, something which goes straight to my gut because honestly it’s so, _so_ endearing.

“I was thinking, how about we uh, we…” he struggles, almost losing his courage. “I never really get to see you outside of this storage cupboard or Joe’s…” a nervous laugh, he’s trying so hard. “I thought maybe I could… I could buy you dinner?” He asks almost hesitantly, meeting my eyes. “Sometime?”

“Levi…”

Sensing something off in my tone his smile falters slightly and he rushes on before I can say anything else.

“Or…or I have the house to myself?” Meaning his mother’s out of town.

Christ. He still lives with his mother, what am I doing? He’s so green to this.

“I could cook? And we could just…be alone.” He inches closer again, his finger hooking into the V of my scrubs shirt as he tugs gently, his eyes on my lips as he rises onto his toes, closing the gap between us.

Exercising a mammoth amount of willpower I only just manage to pull back, my hand closing over where his now firmly has my shirt bunched up in his fist. “Hold on, wait…”

His uncertainty kills me; the flush of colour which comes not from passion but from not knowing if he’s being rejected kills me. But I can’t lead him on, if that’s even what I’m doing. “I can’t tonight.”

“Well then tomo –?”

“I can’t.” I repeat, my voice slightly more firm, and he gets the message.

Disappointment rushes through him and he lets go of my shirt, quickly diverting his gaze. He nods, like it’s nothing and he’s totally fine. “Yeah, no yeah you’re… you’re totally right.”

I can’t help but soften. “It’s not that I don’t –”

“It’s fine, honestly.” He cuts me off, forcing a smile and suddenly I hate myself. “Um…” his hand darts out and picks up a pack of gauze, like a lifeline. “Here it is, this is what I was looking for…”

“Levi, listen. I like you, I really do…”

“Oh god,” he lowers his gaze, his arms going slack. “This is so awful. I thought trying to ask girls out was intimidating, but… this is somehow worse.”

“You’re… you’re a great guy.” I say uselessly, everything sounding like a line and I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole without completely burying him.

He visibly winces. “It’s not you, it’s me, right?”

“No, it’s not like that.”

“It _is_ me?” He laughs humourlessly.

I screw my eyes shut and quickly shake my head. “ _No_ , no you’re fine, you’re perfect, even.”

At those words his eyes meet mine, the slightest bit of hope flickering through them.

“Levi, you’re an intern. I’m a fellow, this hospital has rules which we’ve pretty much danced all over so far, and…” I’m panicking. How did I not have this prepared by now?

His eyes fill with understanding. “I get it, I totally…” he breaks off with a small, relieved laugh. “No, you’re right, we have to be discreet.”

Oh god. I am scum. Scum of the earth. Cowardly scum of the earth who doesn’t even know what he wants.

“Discretion is good.” He gathers his courage, wets his bottom lip and then takes a quick step forward, his hand hooking around the side of my neck as he presses his lips to mine and that’s it. I’m defeated. I am utterly defeated and at the mercy of this perfect human being.

I give in, knowing that I’ve lost the battle with integrity and willpower for today at least as my hands go to his waist, pulling him in against me. I frown into the kiss like I’m in pain as his breath catches against my lips, because honestly? It’s the smallest, most beautiful sound. His soft sigh as he deepens the kiss is my undoing and without even thinking I walk him backwards until I have him crowded against the wall.

His hands boldly slide from my shoulders to my chest, following the shape of my muscle. Nothing makes me feel more like a man than his hands exploring my body, his touch as equally unsure as it is eager.

“Nico” he sighs. Like my name is this magical thing.

I pull back, my thumb brushing his jawline for just a second before I muster the strength to push away, my hands braced against the wall either side his head, out of kissing distance. “I keep giving you mixed signals and it’s so unfair, I’m sorry…”

“What? No, there’s no mixed signals, it’s fine…”

He tries to pull me towards him again but I won’t allow it. “It’s not fine. I don’t do this, I don’t…hurt people.”

“No one’s _hurt_.” He says with an edge to his voice, the same defensive edge it had when he reprimanded me over that stupid _shame spiral_ comment, the same edge when he blamed me for losing his glasses during our dash to the ambulance. The _don’t underestimate me_ edge. He doesn’t want me to spoil this; he doesn’t want me to end it.

So I won’t. At least not now. But I tell myself that I _have_ to figure this out, and I have to do it soon.

I can’t think of a thing to say that wouldn’t confuse things further so I take the coward’s way out. I kiss him softly, my thumb brushing his cheek before pulling away. This time he doesn’t follow, only watches me warily, almost worried.

“I have patients.”

He takes a breath, about to say something, but stops. Instead he nods, and watches as I leave.

Dammit.

Hours later, I’m at home in my sweats and slouched on the couch, miserable. I wish I could preoccupy myself with literally anything else, but Levi Schmitt is all I can think about. Just how in the hell do you tell someone that you have to break-off a non-relationship because you like them too much and you’re too much of an insecure, emotionally-stunted coward to explore those feelings? How do you tell a short, nerdy little dude, half your size that he _scares_ you? I should be studying; I should be out drinking, flirting, or sitting here on my couch in my sweats _not_ miserable.

The buzz of my intercom is a welcome break from the cycle of teenage-like angst and I pull myself up, hitting the intercom. “Come on up.” I buzz the delivery guy in.

I usually stick to a lean, protein-based diet but Levi Schmitt has me stress eating. I mean I ordered _pizza_ for Christ sakes.

Moments later there’s the knock on the door and I’m yelling for them to hold on as I fish around in my jacket pockets, my backpack, anywhere for my wallet. _Crap_. “Hold on just a second.”

“N-Nico?”

I freeze. I know that stutter.

I open the door, almost slowly, and before me is a very, _very_ sheepish looking Levi.

“Levi?”

He does that little wave thing. Usually I love it when he does that but this is something I was not prepared for. I can’t have Levi here. This is my space. This is my space to agonize _over_ Levi. “What are you doing here?”

“Surprise.” He says with a little shrug. “I got tired of waiting for you to invite me over so I…um, I used my initiative.”

I stare at him blankly, completely taken aback.

“And, you know…” he rushes on. “This is still being discreet. In fact if you think about it it’s being _more_ discreet.”

“How did you know where I live?”

“Oh!” he fishes around in his pocket and pulls out…my freaking wallet. “I found this at the hospital. Perfect timing, really.” He bites his lip. Swallows. “Your address is on your driver’s licence.”

I squint at him. “You totally stole my wallet.”

“What?” He lets out a forced, affronted laugh. “What do you mean? I found it; it was in the – yes.” He winces. “Yes I stole it, I’m so sorry.”

I’d be laughing if I didn’t want to cry.

“Is this lame? I was kind of going for clever and sexy…did I miss the mark?”

I groan and step backwards, opening the door to him. “Oh my god.”

He walks in, clearly pleased with himself. He looks around. “Oh, wow, this is nice, Great TV –” He breaks off when his eyes land back on me.

I involuntarily look down at myself. “What?”

He sighs, almost sadly. “You even make sweats look good.”

I can’t help but be flattered but I quickly shake myself out of it. “Ok, time to talk. Sofa.” There’s no putting this off now.

His eyes widen slightly and he doesn’t move. “Oh god, I got this totally wrong, didn’t I?”

“Just come sit down next to me.” I pat the seat next to me, but he doesn’t move.

“I knew it. I knew I’d screw this up. _God_ , Schmitt.” He admonishes himself, squeezing his eyes shut. “So, _so_ lame.”

“Sit down.” I try again, but he shakes his head no, sidestepping slightly, unable to look me in the eye.

“This is embarrassing. I…I _really_ didn’t want to come off as clingy.”

“Sit. Down.”

He looks at me sadly. “If I sit down you’ll breakup with me.” He wets his lower lip nervously. “Except we’re not even… we’re not even a thing, are we?”

“This is what we need to talk about.”

“I mean, I know you’re attracted to me, I’m not entirely sure _why_ , but…” he lets out a small, humourless laugh which is painful to hear. “But I know you are, and oh _boy_ am I into you.”

“Levi,” I say softly. “Come sit with me.”

He shoves his hands in his pockets and lowers his gaze for a second. “I shouldn’t have pushed. We could have just carried on as we were…” he looks up at me sadly. “But I just really needed…I needed…”

“What?”

“More. I needed more of you. Whether that means going to bed, finally putting my hands on you, or dinner, or just a conversation…” he shrugs. “I just wanted you.” He finishes quietly.

I get up, take his hand and pull him over to the sofa. “Okay,” I breathe. “Um…”

“I’m sorry for being weird stalker guy.” He interrupts. “Totally not cool. Stupid, in fact.” He winces. “ _God_ this is embarrassing. I can just go…”

I take his chin in between my thumb and forefinger and force him to look at me. “This is not one sided. I…” I take a breath; let it out in a sigh. “I have feelings for you. You are not _weird stalker guy_. You are not alone in this, and I have totally made a mess of trying to figure out my feelings. First and foremost, please know that.”

He looks as if he’s just been given a lifeline, but he waits for me to say more.

“Having said that…” I continue, and he visibly deflates in front of me. “This needs to end.”

He frowns at me, backs up slightly. “But… you just _said_ …”

“I know. And trust me, I feel as confused as this must all sound.”

He stands, and there’s the indignation. “I get a say in this, surely?”

“It doesn’t work like that if one of the people involved wants out.”

He clenches his jaw, bracing himself. “You want out?” He asks bravely. So fucking brave.

I struggle for a moment, not knowing what to say. I run a frustrated hand through my hair. “Yes?” 

He looks as if I just punched him and I can’t stand it.

Standing, I turn, putting my back to him to give myself a moment. With my hands resting loosely on my hips I slowly turn and force myself to look at him. I shrug. “And no?”

In an instant wounded becomes pure frustration. “Well that’s super clear, Nico.”

“You don’t get it, Levi.”

“You’re right I don’t get it! I mean is this… has this all been some kind of joke?” He looks away, as if he’s admitting something painful. “Is this the cool, popular guy toying with the nerd?”

“What?” I ask, perplexed.

“It is, isn’t it?” He almost sneers. “Let me guess, you’ve been yucking it up with your buddy, Link?”

“What – are you _kidding_ me?”

“Laughing at getting the nerdy guy all hot under the collar, making him think he stood a chance with someone like you?”

I take a few quick steps towards him and he just lifts his chin, daring me to contradict him. “If you think for a second I’d be capable of something like that then you don’t know me at all. Not one goddamn _bit_.”

He holds my gaze, searching for the truth. Evidently he finds it. His shoulders slump ever so, and he looks lost. As Lost and vulnerable as I felt at the start of this day.

“Then I don’t get it.” He says quietly with a helpless shrug, taking a step away from me. “’Cuz… because I know that it can’t just be me feeling this, I mean, when we…” he gestures between us. “When we _are_ together? It feels…” he lets out a harsh, frustrated breath, struggling to find the right words. “It feels…”

“Like we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. Like you were made for me. Like your body has been waiting for my hands…”

“ _Yes._ ”

I close my eyes for a second. I didn’t want to go here; I wanted to spare myself this. But it needs to be said. “Let me explain that one to you. This is your first experience with a man…”

“Oh _god_ , not this…” his frustration is reminiscent of when I tried to tell him he was ashamed of his feelings when he was anything but.

“No, I get to say this. If I’m going to expose myself like this then you’re _going_ to listen.”

That gets his attention.

I walk towards him, stopping just in front of him. “This is how it feels the first time. For all of us. So many years of not understanding our feelings, of just assuming that passion and love is just something other people experience until _bam_ , it happens. You meet a guy, you put your hands on him and you understand yourself in a way you didn’t before, in a way you’d been dying to for so long. Everything _falls into place_.” I say, echoing his words. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

He doesn’t say a thing, just watches me, listening.

“It’s your first experience, and everything feels great, amazing. But it’s just your first experience. That’s why this is so unfair.”

“What…” he begins quietly. “What do you mean, what’s unfair?”

I stare into those incredible eyes, feeling defeated. “I’m just the first guy, but…but for me, you’re…for me you’re _the_ guy.” I swallow hard. “That’s why this is unfair.”

He stares at me, enraptured, understanding dawning on him. His hands reach out to me as his brows draw together sadly. He tries to grip my neck to pull me close. “ _Nico_ –”

“No.” I say firmly, pulling his hands free, shaking my head. “I can’t do this. And I’m sorry for this… this stupid back-and-forth, honestly I’ve never acted like this before, but…” I let out a heaving sigh. “Forgive me for trying to protect myself a little here, but this could very well – in fact most likely _will_ fade for you and then… then I’d just be _stuck_ ” I bite out. “Stuck with these feelings and that is just…” I shake my head, dropping my gaze.

He ducks his head, not by much given our difference in height, but he catches my gaze. “Talk to me, Nico.” He says.

I look into those eyes, and…fuck it. I lay it all out on the table. “I don’t know how to walk away from you. I keep trying to, and…” My voice drops to a low rumble. “It’s so hard trying to not love you.”

I hear his quick intake of breath; see the sheen in his eyes.

“You think I’m calling the shots here, but… it’s you. You have all the power. You always have with me.”

And before I can say another word he is _on_ me. He balls the font of my t-shirt up in his fists and yanks me down, pressing his lips hard against mine. His hand at the back of my neck won’t let me pull away and he deepens the kiss, the air rushing out of my lungs at the sheer forcefulness of it.

“ _Nico_ ,” he gasps into my mouth. “You’ve no idea, _no_ idea…”

The sofa hits the back of my knees and I stumble into a seated position. Not even a moment later his thighs are straddling my waist and his fingers are back in my hair, holding me in place while he kisses the hell out of me.

“Wait…Levi –” I try, somewhat half-heartedly attempting to stop him before giving in and just ripping his jacket off, down his arms and yanking his sweater over his head. His glasses go flying but he doesn’t care, he’s just on me, groaning into my mouth. 

“You don’t get to make all the decisions” he says in a low voice, panting harshly. He kisses me again, but slower this time, like he’s savouring me, every ounce of me. He cups my face, kisses me again, slowly, groaning against my lips like he’s in pain.

He whispers against my lips. “I already love you. It’s done. I’m done, I love you.”

I feel a prickling in my eyes and I turn my head away. “This is what I was talking about; this is what I was trying to avoid –”

“ _No_.” His hands either side of my face force me to look him in the eye. “Despite what you think, you don’t know everything. And you don’t know me, not completely. But I want you to. I want you to know how fiercely I love, how so completely inside of me you are already. I need you to understand that when you don’t touch me, when you don’t let me touch you it… it physically _hurts_.”

My breath escapes me, and something like relief, like hope, fills me. “I do…I get that.”

He takes my hands, places them on his chest, and brushes his nose against mine as he whispers against my lips. “Then touch me. Put your hands on me.”

I melt into it. Waving a white flag, surrendering so completely, my hands trail possessively over his body and in one swift movement I turn and have him with his back on the sofa, my weight pressing into him.

I groan when his legs wrap around me and I rock against him, pulling a gasp from his lips. I suddenly remember myself; remember that despite this…this unexpected, emotionally charged evening, this is still new for him. I force myself to slow it down, and when his hands pull at me I shush him gently.

“We have all the time in the world.”

I feel something instantly leave him; a frantic need to hold onto something he feels is slipping away. He looks at me reassured, but there’s something in his eyes, like he’s asking a question. I read him perfectly and nod. “We have all the time. We can figure this out.”

He smiles and it’s a new one. I think it might be my favourite one yet. It’s the soft accepting smile of someone who feels completely safe and at home with you.

“Stay with me tonight?” I ask.

The wattage on that smile intensifies. “Well obviously.”

“Nothing has to happen tonight, we can still –”

“I get it,” he says softly. “As long as I’m here, as long as I have you.”

I press a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. “You have me.”


End file.
